January 6, 2011
I haven't had much peace of mind lately.
I have been running like a headless hen trying to keep up with an endless list of important matters and somehow I made myself unhappy. And when I am unsettled I have nightmares, just like anybody else.
Tonight I had an uneasy dream, quite silly altogether where I was with my family on vacations and some good things were happening to us. My brothers gf and ex gf were there. The ex had hairy armpits. Out of nowhere a classic villain ruined the thing, maybe he stole everything or destroyed it all, cant recall, but I know it felt unfair and unjustified, and also sad, so as we/ I tried to strangle him with a small string attached to Spanish sausages (?)
(see the string, that was my weapon...)
So as I was trying to strangle him with the fuet string, he was defending himself by cutting my fingers with a sharp razor blade. I felt the pain but knew that if I flinched and let him go he would slice my brother through and I actually saw how he did it, but then went back to the past, the string and the sliced fingers, and I ied not to think about the finger chunk he had just taken of, the blood dripping, the hurt and focused instead in trying to hold the cord strongly enough he would at least faint.
Evidently this is when I woke up with that uneasy and unrested feeling and thinking WTF... I had to do something about this. Happiness is one's own responsibility towards the self.
There are some things that calm me down, sports do the job, affection can help and creating something is the star... And this is how Incubus came alive, an attempt of self soothing through creation even self re-creation that would altogether produce some perturbing sense of angst and yet peaceful quietness.
Now it is 3am in the morning and one might think should I have felt settled I would be in bed already, but I am actually just enjoying the moment, feeling content, soothed.